On the afternoon of Tuesday, January 26th, the Fauxcountry News office was flooded with reports of a possible earthquake or sonic boom in the Charleston area. The audible disturbance could be heard and felt all the way from Moncks Corner to the Peninsula, and from West Ashely to McClellanville. After a thorough investigation, we have concluded that the event can be attributed to the late Doug Butler of Moncks Corner who, according to a witness, “blow’d up” all his leftover fireworks originally purchased to celebrate New Year’s Eve.

Jimmy Singleton, Butler’s former friend and coworker at Advanced Auto Parts in Moncks Corner, claims he had a few too many lukewarm Coors Originals and unveiled a truck bed full of fireworks under a tarp. “He said he didn’t get to shoot them all off on New Year’s because he passed out early and pissed his pants,” Singleton recalls. “I asked why he wanted to set them all off at the same time, and he said, ‘I’mma make a ‘splosion brighter than the sun.’”

Witnesses report that Butler took all of his fireworks, consisting of M-80s, cherry bombs, Wolf Pack artillery shells, and an “assload” of bottle rockets, and built them into a pyramid in an open field. He then doused them with gasoline before lighting them with his Dale Jr. Bic lighter. According to Singleton, Butler’s final words were “Hold my beer.”

Singleton said what happened next was like nothing he’s ever seen before. “It was loud and bright, like Hiroshima but more colorful and patriotic,” and that Butler “disintegrated like some Faces of Death shit.” The only remains found on site consisted of scattered teeth and Butler’s No Fear belt buckle.

It took Fauxcountry News investigators a week to locate the blast crater because the Moncks Corner townspeople had filled it with water for a makeshift swimming pool and to go muddin. Funeral services for Doug Butler will be held at the Huddle House on Hwy 52 on Saturday. The family has asked for Mountain Dew donations in lieu of flowers.