A rebel goose has been terrorizing the scared residents of Crowfield Plantation. After pimp-slapping a pedestrian and her emotionally sensitive shih tzu, locals are on edge and want the ill-tempered goose brought to justice. So far, Goose Creek police has been unable to apprehend the bird or slow down its tirade.

Not much is known about the goose except for the fact it’s robbed multiple residents with a switchblade knife and is usually seen drinking ice beer on the shores of Crowfield Lake. There have been many reports of unprovoked violent attacks by the goose as it establishes its control on the Crowfield turf.

Betty Jo Allen said the attack on her and her shih tzu was the scariest thing she’s ever experienced. “I was just walking around the lake with my precious little Bianca, and that awful goose came running up the boat ramp right me,” she said. “Before I knew it, the goose slapped me and my dear puppy. He took my wallet and told me to ‘scram’. When is someone going to stop this goose?”

Local NRA member Cletus Fryar said he’s ready to take action if needed. “I knew this goose was coming here to cause trouble,” he said. “I predicted it, just like how I knew Obama wire-tapped Trump’s phone, and Michael Jackson faked his death to hijack that missing Malaysian plane, and aliens from Neptune blowed up the World Trade Center with weaponized unobtanium. Everyone in town can feel safe knowing someone like me owns an assault rifle and is ready to use it when needed.”

Goose Creek police said there’s little they can do about the dangerous bird. Police Chief Andre Washington said, “We’d love to catch the goose, but we’re a little bit understaffed and underfunded right now. We can barely keep our K-9 car running. It would be nice if we had some commercial tax revenue around here to help pay for some additional resources, but I guess the powers that be don’t like progress.”