Old Rich White Chick Ready To Get Hammered at Jimmy Buffett Tonight

An old rich white woman is ready to get hammered at the Jimmy Buffett concert tonight on Daniel Island. Justine Fisher had her Hawaiian shirt dry cleaned for the show and will be consuming copious amounts of Margaritaville Margarita Mix she bought from Publix. She will be joined by other wealthy Caucasians who pretend to love Jimmy Buffett but only really know a song or two.

Justine said her tailgating plans will be second-to-none. “I’ll have Tequila-Lime Salsa and tortilla chips ready to go,” she said. “And just wait until they see my battery-powered margarita blender. We’ll also have the Bluetooth speaker playing Jimmy Buffett’s greatest hits, which I bought from the iTunes store today. We’re not messing around for this show.”

Justine and her friends will down nine margaritas each and get into a heated debate about what’s a better TV show–Survivor or Dancing With the Stars. Things will get crazy when they squeeze in a quick game of super-size Jenga before heading in to the show.

Daniel Island Police will be out in full force this evening to contain the crowds. Police Chief Greg Novas said, “We’ll be on bicycles only tonight. The craziest thing we’ll see is probably a Toyota Land Cruiser accidentally backing into a BMW X5. They won’t be tripping their faces off on magic mushrooms and trying to make love to inanimate objects like they do at the Widespread Panic concerts.”

Justine will drunkenly sway side to side for the entire concert until Jimmy Buffett plays Cheeseburger In Paradise, the only song she actually knows. When she gets separated from her group, Justine will stumble into Governors Park and fall asleep on the playground pirate ship.

14 Comments on "Old Rich White Chick Ready To Get Hammered at Jimmy Buffett Tonight"

  1. Babba Louie | May 11, 2017 at 3:17 pm |

    Why is this funny?

  2. Spongecake Nibbler | May 11, 2017 at 3:51 pm |

    Because it’s true.

  3. Nicolette | May 12, 2017 at 5:24 am |

    Not quite sure i understand…

  4. Lee Anne Leland | May 12, 2017 at 6:36 am |

    I can’t wait to see a similar article about the attendees to a Hootie concert.

  5. Sorry excuse for a “fan”. She’s a joke and looking for any excuse to fuel her alcoholism!

  6. Life in the breakdown lane

  7. Well the writer sounds like a pretentious ass trying to make fun of people. I’m a coral reefer not a parrothead,kinda long for preparrothead days. But most figure it out. Who am I to judge? More the merrier. Isn’t just having fun with fun people the whole point? She seems like good folks to me till I know different. The writer proved his negative “UNADULTERATED CRAP” as Jimmy sings

  8. Damn people, lighten up, it is a Jimmy Buffett concert, for goodness sake. Have a Margarita, relax and enjoy it. I think Ms. Justine has the right idea !!! ??

  9. Apparently some people just don’t understand satire

  10. White chick, caucasian friends. Sure it resembles an onion article but how funny would it be if I wrote of the young black guy smoking up getting ready for a Jayzee concert and hooking up with his homie friends. I’m sure I’d be called a racist!

  11. Jake Straw | May 13, 2017 at 12:36 am |

    Hey there’s this new thing…. oh, what’s it called?? Oh yeah, humor!! Lighten up folks, dude was just making a joke!!

  12. The comments by the people getting all butt-hurt by this is actually more humorous than the article itself….which was pretty damn funny….because it’s true.

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