Mayoral Candidate Thinks You’re Dumb Enough to Believe He Can Fix Downtown Flooding

A candidate for Charleston mayoral race next month claimed that he could single-handedly fix the flooding problem in downtown Charleston. Clark Witten made the absurd declaration on a TV commercial in a desperate attempt to trick gullible residents into voting for him.

Major Stevens, with the Army Corps of Engineers, wants voters to know that one man fixing the entire flooding problem isn’t likely. “We’ve spent over a decade studying the flooding problem in downtown Charleston. It would literally require rebuilding the entire drainage structure downtown, cost hundreds of millions of dollars, and cause a construction traffic nightmare. If some pipsqueak in a bowtie says he can fix it all himself, he’s lying to you.”

Poseidon, God of the Sea, also shared his doubts about Witten’s promise to fix flooding. “I don’t know what that dude is talking about. Not even I can stop the flooding on Huger Street when it rains. I wish I could prevent dumbasses from driving their 2-door Honda Civics into massive puddle-lakes downtown, but there’s nothing that can be done.”

In addition to the flooding claim, Witten also promised he could fix all traffic, instantly stop all commercial building, and prevent anyone from ever getting the flu again. Unfortunately, all the mayoral candidates will fail to realize that they can guarantee victory if they can convince In-N-Out Burger to build a location in the lowcountry.