James Island Parents Have To Go To Another Goddamned Kids Birthday Party

A James Island couple and their daughter must attend another kid’s birthday party for the eighteenth consecutive Saturday. Jeff and Amanda Higgins feel obligated to attend Stacie Brisco’s Paw Patrol themed birthday party at an overcrowded trampoline park because Stacie attended their daughter Jenny’s party earlier this year.

Stacie’s 5th birthday party is scheduled for 3:30pm to ensure no one can make any other plans for the entire day. Even though the party invitations stated Stacie wants Paw Patrol gifts, most parents are just going to buy Blaze and the Monster Machine trucks because they’re much cheaper. The Higgins have elected to just pull an unopened gift out of their daughter’s closet because they don’t feel like going to Target to buy something at the very last minute like everyone else.

Jeff was frustrated by the timing of today’s birthday party. “Of course this party is scheduled right when Bama is playing Tennessee,” he said. “And I know I’m going to get stuck talking to the weird software engineer guy who doesn’t like sports. All he wants to talk about is literary fiction and unheard-of BBC Shows. This is going to be torture.”

Amanda is already preparing for the shame she will experience after pigging out at the party. “I’ve eaten healthy all week, but it’s all gonna go to shit when I hate-eat two pieces of ice cream cake because I have no self-control,” she said. “Then I’m going to be depressed for the entire ride home and go all-in by devouring the candy I bought for Halloween. Why do I even bother trying?”

Party attendees will become extremely frustrated when Stacie’s parents expect everyone to stay and watch her open every single present after the cake has been served instead of letting everyone leave. Things will reach peak awkwardness when it’s discovered that the Higgins re-gifted the unopened present Stacie gave their daughter at her birthday party earlier this year.

10 Comments on "James Island Parents Have To Go To Another Goddamned Kids Birthday Party"

  1. Bridget Schmidt | October 15, 2016 at 11:28 am |

    I love these articles but you didn’t need to use the Lord’s name in vain. Would have been just as funny to use “freaking” instead. Keep up the posts!

  2. Dude Ramstein | October 15, 2016 at 12:35 pm |

    I’d like to encourage you to take the Lords name in vain more often. Not because I actually care one way or the other, but just offset the ridiculous holy roller comment previously offered. What fun she must be at a party.

  3. These are so funny. But I’m not going to share anything with profanity. It’s really easy to be really funny without it you know.

    • It’s kind of a ridiculous conceit that we bomb and invade other nations to fulfill our own selfish whims, but the “bad words” have to do with Jeebus, sexytimes and pooping.

  4. More fucking profanity, please.

  5. Susan Walker | October 15, 2016 at 9:26 pm |

    Don’t like the profanity ….. Did you take English in school ? If so, you learned about adjectives …… If you didn’t, a night course would be of benefit in your job!

  6. R.T. Shepherd | October 16, 2016 at 11:30 am |

    Taking the Lord’s name in vain is a matter of context. This is a splendidly stupid “article.” And that’s a compliment. Few could write with such pseudo- journalistic verve.

  7. She probably likes talking to the weird software engineer who doesn’t like sports and has a lazy eye (or maybe I just misread that in the article).

  8. Your coarse headline prevents me from my usual distribution of your generally well-conceived and presented subjects.

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