Guy at Downtown Party Won’t Shut The Fuck Up About Being From Jersey

A group of young adults dealt with frustration at a downtown party when one attendee wouldn’t stop running his mouth about New Jersey. The alleged Jersey resident, Anthony DeCicco, consistently destroyed the natural flow of conversations by cutting people off and telling them why things in Jersey are better.

DeCicco showed up to the party wearing a Rutgers football t-shirt, styled hair using too much gel, and wearing sunglasses indoors. His constant head nodding and one-upper comments quickly drew the ire from everyone at the party, and the over-the-top Jersey accent only seemed to make matters worse.

“We get it,” said one party-goer. “The bagels are so much better in New Jersey. The pizza up there puts South Carolina’s to shame. You can’t find good taylor ham down here. New Jersey is a good-eats mecca. For Christ’s sake, we know. Just shut the fuck up already.”

Originally DeCicco wasn’t supposed to attend the party, but he pressured his roommates into taking him with them. Dennis Craw, one of DeCicco’s roommate’s, said, “This was all my fault. We tried our best to avoid him throughout the day so we could bounce before he could figure out where we were going, but he just kept asking questions and being so damn pushy. You know how people from Jersey are.”

One party-goer, David Klein, quickly became suspicious of DeCicco’s claim of being a former New Jersey resident. Klein said, “I lived in New Jersey for ten years when I was growing up, and seeing DeCicco’s Rutgers football shirt was a big red flag. Everyone who’s actually from New Jersey knows that no one gives a shit about college football up there.”

DeCicco quickly exited the party after Klein’s intense line of questioning revealed that DeCicco actually grew up in Ohio and only visited his dad in New Jersey in the summer. The natural order of the party was restored and everyone was able to have fun again. DeCicco couldn’t be reached for comment.

4 Comments on "Guy at Downtown Party Won’t Shut The Fuck Up About Being From Jersey"

  1. I want to write for you. My linguistic skills are sub par and I cant type worth shit but I have ideas. I’ve read the onion for like most of my adult life and i see what you’re doing here and I love…LOVE. maybe you respond.

  2. Start with this one….Mt Pleasant mom upset that local merchant doesn’t have any more dog stickers to go beside her stick family on her minivans back window.

  3. Ahh, vulgar language. The benchmark of ignorance.

  4. R.T. Shepherd | April 30, 2016 at 1:42 pm |

    I can’t compete with the silliness. Touche!

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