Goose Creek Man Willing To Lose Two Fingers If The Fireworks Are Cool Enough

A Goose Creek man has declared he’s willing to lose up to two of his own fingers if the fireworks are cool enough for his New Year’s Eve backyard celebration. Dusty Hillman is tired of not having the best fireworks in his neighborhood and will take drastic measures to “win” at fireworks tonight.

Dusty made it clear his only priority tonight is a kick-ass fireworks display. “I wanted to make sure we out-do all the neighbors, so I bought some of those illegal fireworks from China you can’t get in the stores,” he said. “The wicks on these things are really unstable and might go up in my face, but it’s all worth it if our fireworks whoop everybody else’s.”

Neighbor Carl is frustrated by Dusty’s decision making. “That dude doesn’t have the fifty bucks he owes me, but he has enough money to buy an arsenal of fireworks? That’s redneck priorities for you right there. I hope he saved a few bucks for the hospital bills he’s gonna have.”

When Dusty’s wife Annie tries to tell him he’s too drunk to light off fireworks, he’ll get belligerently defensive and tell her she doesn’t know what she’s talking about. He’ll then try to light two mortar shells in one tube, accidently knock it over, and send everyone running for their lives when they fire in their direction.