A local Gamecocks fan screamed “TACKLE HIM!” in a crowded sports bar on Sunday when South Carolina defeated Florida to earn a spot in the Final Four. Jake Morton did his best to cheer the men’s basketball team on even though he only knew the rules of football.
Jake was perplexed from the tipoff on Sunday, unable to comprehend what was happening on the basketball court. The confusion only worsened after he consumed five strong IPAs and was also surrounded by other Gamecock fans who couldn’t understand why they weren’t blitzing the opposing team’s point guard.
Jake also struggled to understand the Gamecocks basketball team’s statistics. “The kickers on our basketball team suck,” he said. “Only a 53% field goal percentage? That’s not going to cut it in the NFL. They need to get their act together.”
Sports Psychoanalyst Jane Deems said this type of confusion is to be expected of Gamecocks fan. “The Gamecocks have been so mediocre at basketball for so long that most fans forgot about the sport entirely and just focused on football,” she said. “It’s going to take time, education and patience until Gamecocks fans understand you can’t punt the ball to the other side of the court.”
Jake will become upset when the Gamecocks basketball jersey he just ordered arrives and he discovers it doesn’t have sleeves.