A number of lowcountry residents became upset today when they received an invitation for a wedding that would interfere with football season. Soon-to-wed Brittany and Mike are now secretly hated by everyone on their invitation list for scheduling their wedding on Saturday November 11th, possibly the best college football day of the entire season.
Brittany and Mike included a schedule for their whole wedding day which threw their guests into a rage. The ceremony will last 90 minutes so all of Brittany’s nieces can sing a solo. While the newlyweds take photos for three hours, the guests will enjoy playing croquet next to a llama petting zoo. Instead of serving a meal at the reception, tiny plates of food will be served at a variety of trendy stations the bride saw on TheKnot.com. Guests are expected to lose their minds when they discover the bar is only serving overly-sweet peach bellinis.
Brittany’s best friend, Anna, vented her frustration about the event’s timing coinciding with the Gamecocks game. “What the hell were they thinking? The friggin’ Gators are coming to the Brice that Saturday. She knows I have season tickets. I can’t believe they’re being this selfish. The mashed potato station better have a hi-def flat screen with live ESPN or I’m going to whoop someone’s ass.”
The groom’s co-worker, Jimmy, is contemplating defriending the couple altogether. “No self-respecting Clemson fan would miss watching the Tigers vs the Seminoles. A decent human being would know that and not put me in this terrible situation. I have to cut them both out of my life entirely. I don’t want to do it, but I have to. They did this to themselves.”
Brittany was clueless to her friends’ irritation over the wedding date. “We purposefully picked a wedding spot with poor cell reception so we could all break free of the technological chains that have been weighing us all down. It will give our guests a chance to focus on our love and theirs for the entire day. Everyone will be so pleased.”
The majority of guests will fake an illness as soon as the cake is cut so they can get to the nearest sports bar as fast as possible.