Drivers on Rivers Avenue were stuck behind a CARTA bus and were unsure if it was broken down or just taking its sweet-ass time. The bus remained motionless for two whole minutes with its brake lights flashing and no visible movement from passengers entering or exiting. Now drivers behind the bus can’t change lanes because there are no openings in the jam-packed left lane, and everyone will be late to their destinations.

Local driver Adam Nelson was five seconds from losing his mind. “It’s just stopped in the right lane with lights flashing, and nothing is happening,” he said. “Nobody is getting on or off the bus, and I can’t get by. What the hell is going on? I need to get to work! It’s like they’re trying to give me a stress-induced stroke!”

CARTA Bus Driver Jeff Emmer had stopped the bus to play a full game of backgammon with one of his passengers. “I just got tired and wanted to take a break,” he said. “All the stop, go, stop, go is so draining. I’d be able to finish this backgammon game a lot quicker if people would stop honking their horns and let me concentrate!”

CARTA spokesperson Henrietta Tucker said this type of erratic bus movement is by design. “First, we engineered our busses to be wider than a lane of traffic to apply as much pressure as possible to anyone who’s trying to pass it. Then we’ll let drivers take breaks whenever they want to, even mid-route if they feel like it. It creates just enough chaos to drive local commuters absolutely insane.”

Drivers on Rivers Avenue will experience elation tomorrow when they’re finally able to pass the CARTA bus, only to be plunged into a deep depression when they get stuck behind a garbage truck making stops.