A dangerous gang of tween Caucasians on Daniel Island has been stealing golf carts to fund their debilitating Fortnite habit. The gang, referring to themselves as the Poutlaws, are selling stolen golf carts to chop shops for cash to buy Fortnite skins and dances.
The Poutlaws are suspected of stealing three golf carts that had the keys left in them. Police believe they drive them to a chop shop on Clements Ferry Road where they are broken down or resold to phony Mt. Pleasant people who can’t afford to pay retail for a basic golf cart. The Poutlaws then use the cash to buy meaningless Fortnite upgrades.
Ten-year-old Bradley Winston identified himself as the leader of the Poutlaws. “You won’t see us coming, because we operate in the shadows before our moms make us come home for dinner. We don’t know how to hotwire anything, but we can steal a golf cart with keys in it like a flash. We’re dangerous.”
Daniel Island Police Chief Gary Nelson called for a ban of Fortnite on the island. “It’s a disaster. Kids are fixated on their iPads and dancing like morons if they win. Now they all want to dress like Fortnite characters for Halloween. No one will know who they’re dressed like. It will be total chaos! We need a ban today!”
Daniel Island mom Christina Holder is asking for the ban on Fortnite to be delayed. “I know it’s annoying to have your kid asking you to buy them new Fortnite crap every time a game update comes out, but I also kind of enjoy it. It keeps my complaining son glued to Xbox in his room so I can get some peace and quiet for a while. Sometimes us moms need to house a few Moscow mules and watch This Is Us alone.”
The Poutlaws are expected to abandon Fortnite when Call of Duty with Battle Royale mode gets released on October 12th. Daniel Island parents will be brought to tears when they discover that Call of Duty loot crates are way more addictive and expensive.