Charleston To Create Registry For Men Who Don’t Wear Bow Ties

Charleston has announced a plan to build a registry to track non-bow tie wearing men in the metropolitan area. Authorities have been concerned with the recent uptick in northerners migrating to the Lowcountry and the danger they pose to established southern fashion. All non-bow tie wearers will be photographed and must submit to wardrobe inspections.

Mayor Tecklenburg put his plan forth today at a press conference. “First and foremost, we need to ban non-bow tie wearers from even entering Charleston until we know what’s going on,” he said. “Then we’ll establish a registry to track the ones who are already here. Our plan will include increased fashion policing in known non-bow tie wearing neighborhoods.”

Downtown resident Delores Winston was pleased to hear the announcement. “It’s about damn time,” she said. “All these dirty northerners moving here wearing their cargo shorts on cold days and not using koozies on their beers. I bet they don’t even have a single seersucker garment in their closet. I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t wear a bow tie. I say we deport every single one of them.”

Local Gregory Smith said he’ll never conform to the bow tie standard. “Bowties are not for me and I’ll never wear one,” he said. “When an old dude where’s a bow tie, it looks cool, but when a young guy wears one, I have the sudden urge to punch them in the face. They just look kinda douchey on a 22-year-old dude. Bow tie status must be earned with age, and I’ll never hide my beliefs!”

A petition has been started for those who refuse to take part in building the registry. So far, 95% of the petition signatures have come from people who have moved to Charleston from Ohio or New Jersey.

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