Charleston DOT officials announced the beginning of a new project that will convert Cannon and Spring Streets from one-way pains in the ass to two-way shit shows. The project is the result of whiny local residents who don’t have to commute out of downtown after work and won’t have to deal with the resulting traffic.

Cannon and Spring Streets are one-way streets that help move a high volume of cars from east to west across the downtown peninsula. Locals living on those streets have complained about cars moving too fast during commuting hours, even though they were totally aware of that when they purchased their homes there. Now the roads will be converted to a slower two-way model where cars will be held up trying to turn left through oncoming traffic. The result will be a massive shit show of epic proportions during rush hour.

Daniel Powers is resident of Hanahan and commutes to his job on the peninsula every day. “It’s bad enough as it is right now, but just wait and see how crazy it gets when everyone and their mom is trying to turn left during rush hour. Not even listening to Sarah McLachlan’s greatest hits in my car will be able to calm me down in that shit. I may just quit my job and stay at home to sell Lularoe on Facebook from now on.”

DOT Director Adam Jeffers said this project has been in the works for a while. “We basically just got sick of the locals complaining about this crap and decided to appease them. No configuration of traffic flow will fix the clusterfuck that is known as downtown traffic. The city was designed 350 years when like 20 horse carriages came to town each day. I can’t change that now. What the hell do you want from me? Bike lanes? Ha-ha….good luck with that!”

The roads will be changed back to one-way again when local residents reverse their complaining and claim the new traffic is the problem. Charleston city council will kick the can down the road until others are elected to their spots so they can actually deal with it.