Charles Towne Landing Zoo to Feature Agitated Middle School Girl

The zoo at Charles Towne Landing will be featuring an agitated middle school girl for the remainder of the summer as part of their Deadly Predators Exhibit. Thirteen-year-old Riley Brooks will be kept in a secure caged enclosure so visitors can observe how irritable she can be in her natural habitat.

Riley was a normal middle school girl, but became chronically ill-tempered when her father walked inside school to pick her up one day, violating the unspoken rule of remaining in the car outside. Shortly after, she made the transition to full-blown predator when her mom made the servers at Applebee’s sing happy birthday to her, even though Riley explicitly told her mom not to do so. Riley has been viciously attacking anyone who provokes her ever since.

Charles Towne Landing Director Abbey Preston said they couldn’t pass up the opportunity to showcase Riley. “We had the chance to get a really pissed off jaguar, but we just had to have Riley,” she said. “She’s so angry all the time about everything and it’s terrifying. The eye rolling, the arm folding, and the saying ‘whatever’ every two minutes…it’s fascinating to watch!”

Zookeeper Hannah Weiss said caring for Riley is extremely dangerous. “We tried to give her a slice of pizza, then she gave us the middle finger and accused us of trying to make her fat. So we took away her cell phone for bad behavior and she almost bit our heads off. You can’t turn your back on these sassy teenage girls for a second.”

Charles Towne Landing has already sold out tickets for the Riley exhibit, so they are considering expanding their Deadly Predators Exhibit by featuring a 5th grade boy who didn’t do his homework and got his Xbox taken away.

1 Comment on "Charles Towne Landing Zoo to Feature Agitated Middle School Girl"

  1. R.T. Shepherd | September 4, 2016 at 1:11 pm |

    A politically correct zoo specimen – finally. I can’t wait to see her.

Comments are closed.