Angel Oak Eats Fifth Tourist of the Summer

Angel Oak Park officials have issued another advisory warning visitors not to mess with the tree after the fifth tourist of the summer was eaten yesterday. Visitors ran away screaming when an obnoxious tourist from Ohio became the tree’s lunch after violating park rules and climbing on its limbs. Johns Island officials are assuring the public it’s perfectly safe, as long as you’re not a disrespectful douche and mess with the 400 hundred-year-old oak tree.

Charleston area residents know the Angel Oak as a touristy thing to see with out-of-town guests when they’ve run out of things to do, but most forget that it is a carnivorous tree. Although Angel Oak keepers feed it local hogs and chickens throughout the year, it will eat humans when hungry enough or provoked. Human consumption cases have been rare, but the recent uptick in casualties can be attributed to an increased number of insufferable tourists coming to Charleston. The Angel Oak continues to grow larger and stronger with each meal.

Witnesses say Chuck Mulder, a tourist from Ohio, violated Angel Oak Park rules by climbing the tree to record a Snapchat video. When he began humping the tree, it responded by snatching him up with its limbs and shoving him in its mouth at the tree base. Matters only became worse when the Angel Oak burped on Chuck’s grieving family.

Angel Oak Park Director Frank Jennings is fed up with people getting eaten by the tree. “It’s always some asshole from Ohio,” he said. “They feel like the rules don’t apply to them and they climb on the tree, piss it off, and then act shocked when they’re violently eaten to death. Just follow the rules and don’t mess with the tree. How hard can that be?”

Officials are concerned there might be another Angel Oak victim next week when a group of bossy tourists arrive from Italy.