95% of Charleston Residents Expected to Be Blackout Wasted During the Eclipse

Charleston health officials are predicting that 95% of local residents will be blackout wasted during the upcoming solar eclipse. Local social media traffic has indicated that all anyone in the Charleston area really cares about is where the coolest eclipse viewing parties are and what cute outfits they’re going to wear to them.

A total solar eclipse is an extremely rare event within the contiguous United States, with the last one occurring in 1979. Charleston is preparing for the eclipse by organizing viewing parties with excessive door fees and music provided by DJs wearing too much hair gel. Party attendees will drink so much alcohol that they will forget an eclipse is even happening.

Even though a pair of properly polarized glasses are required to view the solar eclipse, most Charleston residents are focusing on their fashion choices for the event. Downtown resident Ashley Redding said, “I’m going to wear my Carolina Constas Maria dress I bought with daddy’s AMEX. It’s great for sunny-like occasions, and it does a good job of hiding my FUPA. I can’t wait to drink expensive champagne from the bottle, because that’s what classy people do.”

Downtown millennial Drew Fischer has his solar eclipse plan in place. “First, my squad is going to pregame at my apartment and play some beer pong. YAUS! Then we’re going to the lit rooftop party that cost $100 per ticket, where we’re going to rip shots all afternoon and get turnt. I just hope I don’t pass out in a booth and piss my pants like I normally do.”

Chaos is expected to ensue when everyone tries to get an Uber ride home at the same time during gridlock traffic. After everyone’s iPhones run out of battery, drunken millennials will be forced to walk a little more than a mile home while whining about it the whole time.

1 Comment on "95% of Charleston Residents Expected to Be Blackout Wasted During the Eclipse"

  1. Denise Corcoran | August 9, 2017 at 9:04 am |

    I predict this all to be true.

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