Woman Threatens to Quit Her Job Waiting Tables For The Ninth Year Straight

A 29-year-old female is claiming she’s fed up with working as a restaurant server and is about to quit her job. It’s the ninth consecutive year Kelly Witten has made this bold proclamation, and at this point, her friends just roll their eyes upon hearing it.

In 2007, Kelly decided to take a semester off during her sophomore year at the University of South Carolina to “take a breather.” She got a job waiting tables at California Dreaming back in Charleston and has remained working there ever since.

“Stuff just came up, you know?” said Kelly. “Like, I was going to go back, but then, like, things just got weird, and I was dealing with hella-drama. I needed more time to get my head straight.”

Kelly’s Dad, Ron, said he’s very close to kicking her out of their James Island home. “She eats all my Doritos and doesn’t do any chores around the house. She’s about to get a big taste of adulthood when I kick her ass out and she has to pay rent at Riverland Woods.” This is the fourth consecutive year Ron has made that same threat to Kelly.

Kelly’s recent threat to quit her job came after the new hostess chick quadruple-sat her during prime-time Friday night, and no one else could help her because they were all in the weeds. When each table demanded separate checks and honey drizzled crescent rolls to go, it drove Kelly into a rage and she walked out on her shift.

“She does this every so often,” said California Dreaming Manager Jesse Nelson. “She’s never going to quit. She’s F&B for life.” Kelly is expected to ask forgiveness and return to work this week because she needs to make money to fix her 1997 Honda Civic.




2 Comments on "Woman Threatens to Quit Her Job Waiting Tables For The Ninth Year Straight"

  1. Scott Brunson | February 17, 2016 at 7:49 am |

    As someone who worked F&B for five years through college, this might be the most depressing “real” satire I’ve read on here yet. #staystrongkelly

  2. R.T. Shepherd | May 21, 2016 at 9:45 pm |

    Kelly, I asked the Magic 8-Ball if you were going to meet a hot, rich man soon and it answered in the affirmative. Hold on girl.

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