A West Ashley woman calmly prepared for death this morning before entering The Suicide Merge at the intersection of Sam Rittenberg Blvd and Old Towne Road. Sally Henderson took a deep breath and closed her eyes as she entered The Suicide Merge, letting Jesus take the wheel. Luckily she didn’t strike another car at full speed and was able to make it to her job alive.
Sally said she prepares for her death every day before she leaves for work. “I have to make a left on Orange Grove from Old Town Road, so I make sure I kiss my husband and children before I leave the house every morning just in case I bite the dust,” she said. “I make sure they know how much I love them and tell them to do their best if I don’t survive my morning commute. I’ve done it so many times, now they’re like ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah.’ You know how kids are.”
The Charleston County Department of Transportation said they are aware of the dangerous scenario at that intersection. Spokesperson Herman Cranston said, “We’d fix it if we had the money, but no one’s serious about fixing the roads around here. We recommend local residents buy a big SUV and wear a helmet when driving into The Suicide Merge. It will improve your chances of survival…slightly.”
The original City Planning Engineer who designed The Suicide Merge was stunned to learn the city actually built it. Daniel Franklin said, “The Suicide Merge was meant to be a joke. I was high as balls the day I drew it up, which is probably why I got fired from my job with the city. Now I sell used DVDs out of the back of my van. Anyway, they need to fix The Suicide Merge quick.”
Charleston County will be proposing a plan to fix The Suicide Merge by blocking traffic during rush hour, letting the project run months past its due date, and allowing to the budget to run wildly out of control to three times the initial estimate.