A West Ashley man emerged from his 6-month cocoon today, just in time for the start of the college football season. Jason Ramsay broke free from his protective casing this morning and immediately began drinking copious amounts of beer in preparation for the Gamecocks vs Commodores game this evening.
Jason’s body has amazingly evolved to avoid the entire part of the year when football isn’t being played. When the Super Bowl ends, he spins a sticky web made from stored up football snack foods from his fingertips until it creates a strong casing around him. He then enters a state of hibernation until the first kickoff of the following season. The cocoon keeps his body cool and protects him from boring baseball games during the summer. From Jason’s perspective, it’s always football season, so it’s like living in a Utopia.
Now that Jason is out of the cocoon, he will spend every weekday reading college football blogs and arguing with mentally unbalanced fans on message boards. On Saturday, he’ll begin the morning by watching College GameDay, then watch every single college football game on TV for the rest of the day, including the late-night west coast game. He’ll constantly switch back and forth between channels to make sure he doesn’t miss a single bit of the action, even though he really doesn’t care about any of the teams.
Jason’s wife is pleased to have him active in the house again, but she’s dreading the upcoming football season. “I’m trying to get in as much conversation with him while I still can,” she said. “Because as soon as it’s kickoff time, he’s just going to stare at the TV every weekend with bloodshot, glassy eyes watching every game he can. It would be nice if he put the beer down once and a while and helped with the dishes.”
Jason will immediately begin an intense feeding regimen of Doritos and chicken wings so he can build up enough energy to create his cocoon again in February.