A West Ashley man has discovered a brand new species in the cooler he forgot to clean out. The never-seen-before creature emerged from the cooler after incubating for 8 weeks in leftover family BBQ food and drinks. Local scientists are trying classify what the organism actually is.
Even though Chris’ wife reminded him to clean out the cooler multiple times after the family 4th of July BBQ, he blew it off and forgot about it like usual. For eight weeks, the cooler remained sealed with leftover potato salad, half a cheesecake, and multiple crumpled-up half-full Coors Light cans. When Chris opened the cooler this morning, he was blasted with a horrendous stench and a three-headed creature with tentacles emerged from the sea of multi-color mold that had grown inside.
Chris almost let the discovery of the new creature slip by. “When I realized I didn’t clean out the cooler like my wife asked me to, I knew I was about to get the laser glare of shame from her. I was going to just throw the whole cooler out and buy a brand new one without her knowing like I normally do, but when I saw that thing moving around in there, I knew I had to contact local scientists to show them.”
Local university biologist Hannah Freeman said the finding is extraordinary. “We had no idea that mixing leftover BBQ sides and crappy beer in complete darkness can create new forms of life. This turns everything we’ve ever learned on its head.”
Chris’ wife Kelly wasn’t pleased about the new discovery. “I told him ten times to clean that thing out before it gets nasty, and just like always, he says ‘I’ll do it later.’ Then he starts drinking beers on the couch and falls asleep in front of the TV. Now his lazy ass gets credit for discovering this new species. Unreal.”
Chris and Kelly will discover another life form when they open their refrigerator crisper drawer and find the spinach and asparagus they bought two months ago has liquified and spawned a worm-like monster.