West Ashley Bunco Night Ends In Gunfire After Host Serves Shitty Appetizers and Wine

A West Ashley neighborhood is recovering this morning after an evening gun battle broke out at a Bunco get-together leaving six women wounded. Things quickly escalated after host Heather Metz put out horrible food and wine for her guests, who had much higher expectations. Soon after, guns were drawn and bullets were flying to settle the dispute.

Bunco is a dice game that has grown in popularity amongst middle aged suburban women. Getting together to play the game is mostly used as an excuse to share gossip and silently judge each other. Each woman in the group takes turns hosting the game at their home and provides all the food and wine. If she does a poor job of hosting, she’ll face intense scrutiny from her bitchy friends.

Bunco attendee Danielle Granger said the food provided was unacceptable. “When I hosted, there was steak wrapped asparagus spears, truffle risotto, and duck a l’orange. We show up at Heather’s and she’s got microwave pizza rolls and chips & salsa? And I’m supposed to wash that down with a lukewarm glass of Arbor Mist? Uh-uh, bitch! That ain’t gonna work for Bunco.”

That’s when Danielle showed her Glock and told Heather she better put some real food on the kitchen counter. Heather grabbed her revolver under the cabinet and bullets started flying. One of the women in attendance took three single gunshots to the abdomen and quickly screamed “Bunco!”

Host Heather Metz defended her weak food and wine offerings from her hospital bed. “This Bunco crap is expensive as shit when it’s your turn to host,” she said. “And I work full-time, so it’s hard to get everything made in time. If I could sit on my ass all day like Danielle, then I could have made something nice and fancy.”

West Ashley Police Chief Jermaine Hammond vented his frustration about the incident. “We’ve had to abandon policing street gangs so we can monitor Bunco groups in the burbs. These games are way more dangerous than you would think. Crazy white bitches are the biggest threat to West Ashley right now.”

9 Comments on "West Ashley Bunco Night Ends In Gunfire After Host Serves Shitty Appetizers and Wine"

  1. Nipsey Russell | March 24, 2016 at 11:11 am |

    Yep…that’s what can happen after drinking too much cheap wine from a box.

  2. I adore Fauxcountry News and this particular piece is among the best so far! . People who can’t see this site is satire need to stay out of public and eat lots and lots of shitty food.

  3. Ricky Martin | March 24, 2016 at 11:38 am |

    Crazy white bitches are the biggest threat to the entire Lowcountry! Everyone contact your elected representatives and get some laws passed to control this subversive group!! Hurricanes are nothing compared to them!!!

  4. FauxCountry-
    Keep up the good work!
    Hilariously spot on!

  5. Local Hero | March 25, 2016 at 8:20 pm |

    This should not be in the news. Notice that none of the major news sources carried this story. Coverage like this makes it much harder to sell West Ashley real estate. It already can only be sold to New Englanders who have never seen the place and think it’s like the Charleston they’ve read about… the most polite city in the country! Don’t we have a story with a happy baby and a puppy? I’m sure we can import one them from Mt Pleasant if necessary!

  6. The Real Housewives of Bunco! Superb story.. Superb.

  7. Regena Heilmann | March 27, 2016 at 9:10 pm |

    Hahaha. Spot on. I’m sharing this story with our Bunco group!

  8. I’m both offended and appalled. Our Bunco night consists of no gossip, no alcohol and no meal. We get together foe the fellowship, have a dessert and have inexpensive gifts for prizes. The author of this story obviously playa with these ladies.

  9. R.T. Shepherd | April 1, 2016 at 3:12 pm |

    Too silly (and that’s good)!

Comments are closed.