Today is Election Day, and Charleston County residents have never been more disgusted with their options for President. The nausea caused by the two main candidates is so high that voters have uncontrollably vomited while casting their vote for the least repulsive candidate. Barf bags have been rapidly deployed to contain the mess.
Trouble began to brew during early voting when a large number of voters lost their lunch on the voting machines at the mere sight of both candidates’ names. Election officials were forced to scramble and provide barf bag dispensers in each voting booth. So far it’s helping control the flow of spew chowder so voting machines can remain functional throughout the electoral process.
Charleston resident Martha Hampson was unable to control her nausea. “I actually tried to vote for a third party candidate, but just my eyes scanning over the two main names made me sick to my stomach. When I hit the final vote button, I couldn’t contain it anymore and I lost my cookies into the barf baggie. Thank God the election commission provided the barf bags, otherwise this election would have been an even bigger mess.”
Political Analyst Henry Laurens said this response was to be expected. “Voters’ stomachs are reacting to the realization of how fucked we are,” he said. “The two main choices for President are the corrupt, sociopathic liar who should be in jail by now, or the ill-tempered, misogynistic narcissist who can’t even be trusted with a Twitter account. The nausea we’re seeing is the physical response to how embarrassed we are of the candidates we’ve put forward.”
Local Pressure Washer Danny Button said business has been booming this week. “We’ve been getting calls to clean and sanitize voter booths in every district,” he said. “This is even worse than that cruise ship that called me after everyone got norovirus. I wish it were Election Day every day. I could retire early!”