The world has recently witnessed many different revolutionary protests against oppressive leadership, but now an uprising is brewing in the Lowcountry. Residents of Goose Creek are fed up with how boring their town is and are imploring the Dairy Queen to take power.
Unhappiness and boredom are nothing new to Goose Creek, but the refusal of the City Council to allow anything enjoyable to be built there has fueled angst among the residents for years, and now it’s coming to a boiling point. The locals hope the Queen of Dairy will overthrow the mayor and bring the townspeople fun things to do so they don’t have to drive 15 miles to experience it.
Goose Creek locals don’t know much about the Queen herself, but there are many rumors circulating. Goose Creek resident Jim-Bob Evans said, “I’ve heard the Queen travels with a herd of golden cows and demands good live music be playing at all times. She’s going to save us from boredom. Hail to the Queen of Dairy!”
Since entering the town earlier this month, the people of Goose Creek have flocked to the Dairy Queen to pay homage, bringing with them offerings of cash in hopes of winning her praise and receiving her blessing of frozen dairy treats. Dairy Queen employee Shanique Williams vented her frustration about the uprising. “These dumbass people are tripping! There’s no damn queen here. We just serve ice cream. Order a Blizzard or get the hell out of there.”
Despite the news of the potential uprising, Goose Creek Mayor Michael Heitzler seemed confident on how to fix it. “I know exactly what the people of Goose Creek want,” said Heitzler. “They don’t want nice shops and fun outdoor bars. They want storage facilities and mattress stores, and that’s what I’m going to continue giving them.”