An Upper-King Street snob has just launched a new artisanal business that will surely go out of business within the next two years. Atticus Hammond opened Eros Et Gelata, which will serve deconstructed artisan peanut butter and jelly sandwiches at outrageously high prices.
Upper King Street has seen a surge in artisanal food and drink locations open within recent years. Most artisanal establishments require their employees to dress like nineteenth century shoe cobblers to make it appear like they know what they’re talking about. Then the customers get to experience the magic when their servers explain the twenty-five extra manual steps that aren’t necessary to produce something that should have been easier to make with standard modern advancements.
Atticus explained the concept behind his restaurant’s food. “I want my food to showcase its soul and let the ingredients speak for themselves,” he said. “Some might say we’re just throwing uncooked ingredients on a plate and charging fifty dollars for it, but I call it facilitating a relationship between the eater and the earthly origins of their food.”
Local Lauren Simmons said she was disappointed by her first experience at Eros Et Gelata. “I ordered their signature deconstructed artisanal peanut butter and jelly sandwich, then some dispshit in suspenders brought me a plate of raw peanuts and whole strawberries. It looked like snack time at daycare. Deconstructed artisanal my ass!”
When Atticus’ restaurant goes bankrupt, he will try to open an artisanal barbershop, where haircuts are crafted by only genuine American Indian arrowhead blades.