Dad just spent the last year putting up with all your annoying crap, so it’s time to update your Father’s Day plans to give him a truly awesome day. Unfortunately, Father’s Day is filled with terrible gifts and unoriginal plans that men end up hating. Here are some tips to make sure the Dad in your family has the best day ever.
Terrible Father’s Day Idea #1: Buying Dad a New Necktie
In addition to being the most unoriginal and overplayed gift ever, giving Dad a new necktie is the least useful present he can receive. He’ll fake a smile when he opens it, then he’ll put it in the closet along with the rest of the boring neckties you bought him over the years that he never wears. Don’t be lazy and put some effort into buying him a gift he’ll actually use.
Better Idea: Buy Dad a Dope-Ass Pair of Basketball Shorts
Sure…Dad hasn’t set foot on a basketball court in years, but that’s not important. Dad will always require proper attire when he’s chilling around the house and a pair of mega-dope basketball shorts is exactly what he needs. You can even take it to the next level by buying shorts of his favorite college basketball team. Make sure they have pockets so he can always have his phone on him to check scores.
Terrible Father’s Day Idea #2: Letting Your Kids Draw a Crappy Picture For Him
Don’t terrify Dad by bursting into the bedroom with the kids while he’s still sleeping and giving him a card with a terrible drawing from your toddler. It’s rude, and you probably ripped him from his awesome dream of swimming at the beach with Kate Upton. Dad doesn’t want to see a poorly drawn picture of himself with a misshapen beer belly and three hairs on top of his head that makes him look like a goblin. Plus…the card is going to end up in the trash by the end of the day, so don’t waste your time.
Better Idea: Let Dad Naturally Wake Up To The Sounds of SportsCenter
If you want to start Father’s Day out right, turn the TV on ESPN at a moderately light volume and leave the bedroom. Dad will gently awaken to the latest sports news and he will emerge from the bedroom when he’s ready. He’ll be in a great mood all day and you don’t have to go through the meaningless exercise of giving him a Father’s Day card he’ll have to pretend to care about.
Terrible Idea #3: Inviting Your Annoying Extended Family Over to the House to Celebrate His Day
The last thing Dad wants to deal with on Father’s Day day is hearing his stepmother complaining about how the grass needs to be cut, and it’s inevitable that one of his stepsister’s kids will poop in the pool. Don’t ruin Dad’s big day by making him deal with people he skillfully tries to avoid all year long.
Better Idea: Vacate the House and Leave Dad Alone So He Can Enjoy a Six Pack of Beer in Silence
The best gift you can five a father is leaving him the fuck alone. A father recharges his batteries when he doesn’t have to hear any nagging or has to break up any fights over who can use which iPad. Do him a favor and buy him some beer, then take the kids out of the house for a few hours so he can find his Zen. Also, make it a good six pack…preferably a good local beer with a high ABV so he can get a nice buzz going.
Terrible Father’s Day Idea #4: Go Out to a Crowded Restaurant Without a Reservation
You may think you’re rewarding Dad by taking him out for a nice steak at one of the area’s nicest restaurants, but it’s the last thing he wants to do. Whoever makes the plans will forget to make a reservation, adding three more hours to your dinner experience, and none of you cheapskates will pick up the check, forcing Dad to pay for his own Father’s Day dinner. What a kick in the balls for Dad!
Better Idea: Let Dad Make His Own Nachos
You may never see a Dad happier than the moment he’s presented with a Make-Your-Own Nachos fixins bar. Don’t skimp out on the toppings either. Take the time to dice those fresh jalapenos and cook those fresh bacon bits. It’s a million times cheaper than going out to dinner, and Dad will probably be more satisfied with his nacho meal than whatever the expensive restaurant can deliver.
Terrible Father’s Day Idea #5: Giving Your Husband a Romantic Evening of Love Making
Let’s be honest….by the time you’re done with that epic dinner out that took three hours longer than it should have, you’re going to be exhausted. While all you wives out there may have planned to give your husbands an intense love-making session, you’ll probably only have enough energy left to give him a sad, half-hearted hand job where he may or may not end up finishing. It’s like putting a cherry on top of the miserable Father’s Day sundae.
Better Idea: Buy Your Husband a Premium Subscription to PornHub
What better way to make your husband happy than giving him access to the best source of porn on the internet? You might think it will hurt your relationship, but it will actually strengthen it. How many times do you feel obligated to have sex with your husband when you’re not in the mood, then it turns into a boring missionary session with you just hoping he finishes quickly so you can check your Facebook feed on your phone. Instead of your husband hassling you to have sex all the time when you’re not feeling it, Porn Hub can keep him satisfied and you both can bang when you’re mentally ready for it.