A Summerville woman using essential oils became impervious to fire this week. Sandy Wachs now has the ability to walk through temperatures exceeding 1,500 degrees Fahrenheit after her daily regimen of rubbing, inhaling, and snorting various essentials oils gave her super-strength.
After Sandy rejected modern medicine, she became obsessed with using essentials oils to cure all ailments and gain infinite power. With the help of the local militant homeopathic moms Facebook page, she tested various combinations of oils until she found the perfect recipe for defeating fire.
Sandy said she instantly felt the moment she gained the ability to withstand fire. “A feeling of intense energy pulsed through my body and I just knew it. I started a bonfire in the backyard, with wood soaked in Lavender and Peppermint oils to stave off my mid-afternoon migraine, and I danced wildly while the fire flickered powerlessly under my feed. HOO-WAH-HA-HA!”
Sandy’s husband discussed the difficulties of being married to someone who’s obsessed with essential oils. “I had a sinus infection last year and my wife said the only cure was inhaling dense Frankincense vapor through a hemp sock and dipping my nipples in Thieves three times a day. I really wish I could go to a real doctor, but Sandy would get mad and I don’t want to piss her off. Who knows what new dangerous abilities her essential oils will give her soon.”
Ten-year-old son, Ryan, has also struggled with having essential oils incorporated in every aspect of life. “My mom rubs my forehead with something that smells like farty flowers before I go to school every day. Naturally, I get my ass kicked on a regular basis for stinking up the entire classroom. The fact that my mom can walk through flames now doesn’t help me blend in with the crowd much either. I can’t wait until I’m 18 years old so I can escape and eat foods with preservatives.”
Sandy’s next goal is to hookup continuous intravenous feeds of every essential oil available, which will give her the ability to levitate and shoot lightning bolts from her fingers.