Moms in Summerville have begun stockpiling bottles of wine ahead of schools going on summer break. Woman have been spotted fighting for the remaining bottles of wine at local supermarkets, even coming to blows for normally unwanted wines like Arbor Mist.
The women are preparing for Wine-Bernation, a perpetually wine-buzzed state that helps them deal with their whiny children throughout the summer. During Wine-Bernation, a Mom’s give-a-fuck function slows down and her blood pressure remains low, even when her kids are driving her bat shit crazy.
Summerville Mom Clair Leighton said the wine is a necessity. “If I don’t have enough wine to make it through the summer, I won’t survive,” she said. “Once these little monsters are done with school, my days will be filled with making cheese quesadillas, cleaning the messes they make before 10am, and settling battles over who gets to use which tablet. The wine is my savior. Why can’t we just send our kids to school year-round like they do in China?”
Dr. Anthony Ernst said moms need to be careful when self-medicating with wine. “Women need to keep their wine consumption to steady, moderate levels. If you drink too much, you might pass out and discover your children have drawn a Triple-Butt Fart Monster on your face with a Sharpie. It’s better to just to pace yourself.”
Local Mom Beth Walters almost has enough wine to last the entire summer. “My Cab and Pinot levels are good, but I’m short on Riesling,” she said. “Word on the street is the Cane Bay Publix is getting a wine delivery this afternoon. Me and some class moms are going to suit up in armor and raid it this afternoon. Summer is coming!”