The Summerville Health Department issued an emergency advisory yesterday regarding the Amazon Prime addiction epidemic that is sweeping through the area. Local women have stopped leaving their houses and are having everything they need to live shipped to their front door within two days.
Doctor Alyssa Coombs warned that an Amazon Prime addiction can sneak up on you very quickly. “Once someone gets a taste of free two-day delivery, they crave more,” she said. “Junkies end up buying things they don’t even need because it’s too convenient. Once you set up one-click ordering, it gets ahold of you and never lets go. It’s just too damn easy to order stuff.”
Summerville resident Brad Utley said he doesn’t know who his wife is anymore. “Linda’s Amazon Prime addiction started out small with ordering spatulas and dog food,” he said. “Then she started ordering Prime Pantry boxes and that’s when I told her she had a problem. She just snapped at me and said she has it under control. Now she doesn’t even speak to me anymore, she just talks to the Amazon Echo.”
Linda denied that she has a problem. “I can quit Amazon anytime I want to,” she said as she placed Amazon Dash buttons on her kitchen walls. “I just order a few things to relax every once in a while. I’m not a junkie, okay? Back off!” As of this interview, Linda hasn’t showered in four days and is creating Christmas wish lists for the entire family on her account.
Postal Worker Gerard Hankins said he’s resorted to taking performance enhancing drugs to keep up with the delivery volume. “They’re ordering so much crap these days, I need to take speed just to get through the day,” he said. “These crazy bitches be ordering some weird shit. I just delivered a case of glow-in-the-dark toilet paper. Why the hell would someone need that?”