Summerville has assembled a team of deadly assassins to protect their Guinness World Record for Largest Sweet Tea. The Summerville Town Council approved unlimited funding for the foursome of mercenaries to ensure they are effective at their task. Operation Enduring Lemons will be a covert mission with the sole purpose of doing whatever it takes to keep the record in Summerville.
Summerville first claimed the largest sweet tea record last year and believed it would be theirs forever, until they were one-upped by North Charleston, and again by Baltimore, Maryland. After doubling down efforts and reclaiming the record once again in June, the town knew deadly force would be necessary to maintain it this time.
City Council Member Florence Garner said the first meeting since the assassins had been assembled was definitely different. “When it came time to approve spending, it threw us for a bit of a loop,” she said. “We’ve never approved purchase orders for grenades, dynamite, and cigars before. I guess we’ll adjust to it at some point.”
Not much about the mercenaries is known. Rumors are circulating that two of them served in Afghanistan and Iraq, the third has worked for various global security contractors, and the last is just a random guy who can give a serious titty twister. Together they are one of the most dangerous groups in the world.
The dividends of Operation Enduring Lemons are already beginning to pay. Sheboygan, Wisconsin tried to overtake Summerville’s sweet tea record in July, but their massive glass was mysteriously destroyed by explosives in the night. Savannah, Georgia was planning to take steal the record next week, but the cargo ship carrying their container of tea bags and sugar was sunk before it reached land. In both cases, police have no living witnesses or leads to go on.