Tensions are high in Goose Creek this morning as rival mom gangs are preparing for a major mom swap. The Liberty Haulers are trading two crib mattresses to the Foxborough Firestarters in exchange for four cases of diapers, a Bumbo seat, and twenty AdvoCare shake packets. The gangs’ history of bad relations and talking shit about each other on Facebook has the entire town on edge.
The deal is slated to go down at 2pm in the St. James Publix parking lot, where respective Honda Odyssey vans will empty their payloads and complete the exchange. The history between these two gangs has been strained ever since the failed swap of 2012, when a Firestarter gave a Hauler a Babies “R” Us gift card for cash, and it only had a fraction of the promised balance on it. Ever since, there’s been hate for the other running through their veins.
Liberty Haulers Gang Leader Jenna Freeman said the deal is only being done out of necessity. “It makes me sick to my stomach that we even have to deal with those trashy Firestarters, but they’re the only ones who have the AdvoCare shake flavors we like. We hate to part with the crib mattresses, because they’ll probably have to be burned after those filthy Firestarters get bedbugs in them.”
SLED Lieutenant James Victarino said they are aware of the mega-swap and have been monitoring Facebook traffic to make sure everything remains on the up and up. “We’re not fucking around with these chicks,” he said. “The second we suspect the deal is going south, we’ve got SWAT teams disguised as shopping cart retrievers ready to deploy and neutralize any threats.”
Publix Store Manager Bill Costa was puzzled why all the mom swaps in the area have to take place in his store’s parking lot. “Why the hell are moms trading all their used garbage here?” he said. “Can’t they just do it at one of their houses? Or better yet…one of the storage units parking lots. There’s no shortage of them here.”