Recent Grad Collapses Into Fetal Position After Opening Student Loan Debt Statement

A recent College of Charleston graduate made the mistake of opening her student loan repayment statement just before going out with friends on Friday night. The college grad, Anita Wexler, had been sifting through her mail from that day and opened a letter from her student loan company. After seeing what her monthly payment would be for the next ten years and realizing it was going to be almost as much as rent, she poured a large glass of wine and collapsed to the floor in the fetal position.
Anita’s friends found her an hour later when they came to pick her up to go bar hopping. “We were really concerned when we found her whimpering and curled up in a ball on the floor,” said best friend Danielle. “Then we found the student loan debt statement nearby, and we knew exactly what happened. She hasn’t moved except for occasionally lapping some wine out of her glass like a wounded kitten.”
Economist Henrietta Allen discussed the complicated set of circumstances that put Anita in her current position. “The technical term for Anita’s current financial situation is called Mega-Fucked-For-Life. The A-hole lenders let her borrow more than they knew she could realistically pay back, and the oblivious advisors at the college let her major in something that wouldn’t yield a decent paying job. As long as they get their money, they really don’t care about fucking over people like Anita.”
Expert Neurologist Francis Copeland says this type of physical reaction to student loan debt is quite common. “The human body can only handle so much stress. When the irony sets in that you’ll have to get a second job to pay for the college degree you earned to improve your life, it’s too much for the brain to handle and it just shuts down.”
Danielle said that Anita has been improving slowly since Friday evening. “She gets up to go the bathroom every once and a while, and at one point she blurted out ‘Why did I major in English?’, so we’re encouraged by her progress. We’re going to be right here for her and keep her wine glass topped off until she snaps out of it.”