A rebellious Folly Beach visitor threw caution to the wind and parked his car one inch on the road today. Unafraid of the legal consequences that may be handed down to him, Gaven Kingsley left his car tires barely touching the asphalt when he parked to go surfing. Even though it would have only taken thirty seconds to move the car completely off the road, Gaven couldn’t be bothered.
Gaven voiced his displeasure for the parking rules on Folly Beach. “I thought this was America,” he said. “If I want to park my 1998 Isuzu Amigo a tiny bit on the road, I’m going to do it. I don’t care what any pigs have to say about it. Now excuse me while I shred some kid-sized waves.”
Folly Beach Parking Enforcement just put a new car tire microscope in the field that can identify a car tire’s location within a few millimeters. Parking Cop Janice Shea said, “We don’t really need the microscope. We can see it clearly with our bare eyes. We just wanted to buy something really expensive because we don’t know what to do with all this cash we’ve collected from bullshit parking fines. I think we’re going to buy a cotton candy machine for the breakroom next.”
Folly Beach Official Harry Pickens discussed the possibility of boosting the current parking ticket fine for the upcoming summer. “The parking fine is already a ridiculous $1,000, so why not just make it $5,000 at this point,” he said. “And we’ll also raise the beach access parking to $20, which will force people to try to park on the streets and most likely get a ticket. Haha! It’s like printing money out here!”
Gaven will become upset when he returns from surfing to find his Isuzu Amigo with a boot on his tire from sixteen previous unpaid parking tickets. He’ll say, “Whatever,” and rip Bud heavies at the Sand Dollar until his mom gets off from work and can come pick him up.