A Park Circle man is secretly hiding good local beer in his PBR tallboy can to avoid the criticism from other hardcore hipsters. Dexter Freeman has been concealing his real life as a premium consumer and now fears his house of cards is about to come crumbling down.
Dexter didn’t know what the real world was like outside of being a hipster until recently. “I’ve always drunk PBR and worn suspenders like my friends, but I accidentally took a sip of my friend’s Coast HopArt IPA, and it was incredible. There’s no way you can go back to drinking PBR after that.”
Dexter has been sneaking local craft beer into the bars in his suede satchel, then slipping into the bathroom to pour it in an empty PBR tallboy can in order to maintain the impression that he’s still a hipster. Thus far, the elaborate charade has successfully fooled his friends and sustained their hipster approval.
In addition to trying new beers, Dexter has also become enlightened to how enjoyable the world is outside of the hipster culture. “I still buy vinyl records to appease them,” said Dexter. “But I stopped listening to records a year ago. It’s so much more convenient to have all my music in the cloud.”
Dexter fears being excommunicated if his friends discover he’s not abiding by the hipster code of conduct. There’s even been a few close calls. “One day I almost got caught looking at my new Android phone for the time instead of pulling out my pocket watch,” said Dexter. “It was close, but they didn’t see me.”
Dexter hopes one day he can finally be honest with his hipster friends without fear of retribution. “One day I’m going to show up at the bar with pleated khakis on, and I’m going to let everyone know I’m not wearing them to be ironic. I want them to respect me for who I am.”