North Charleston Celebrates One Year of No One Getting Shot at Northwoods Mall

The City of North Charleston is celebrating this morning as it marks the 365th day of no one getting shot at Northwoods Mall. The year-long effort to step up mall security and deter criminal losers has been a lot of hard work, and it’s finally paying off.

In additional to facing stiff competition from online retailers, Northwoods Mall has dealt with some unfortunate shootouts between assclowns who don’t even spend money at the mall. When regular shoppers started showing up with their own riot shields, the mall administration knew they had to make some changes.

The Mall Association of America recently conducted a survey of 100,000 mall shoppers and asked them what the most desirable aspect of their shopping experience was. The results were:

#1 – Not getting shot

#2 – Drinking an Orange Julius

#3 – Playing around with everything in Spencer’s Gifts without actually buying anything

#4 – Touching a mannequin’s boob

#5 – Spitting on people’s heads from the second level balcony

Armed with this information, the City of North Charleston rolled out an incentive program for not shooting people at the mall. Each month the mall goes incident free, Auntie Anne’s hands out free soft pretzels on the first Friday of the month. Police Chief Derrick Johnson said, “The incentive program is an overwhelming success. It’s physically impossible for someone to commit an act of violence after savoring a heavenly cinnamon sugar soft pretzel.”

Local resident Lisa Simpkins was encouraged when she heard that Northwoods Mall reached the milestone. “It’s finally safe again! I guess I can stop packing heat and wearing my bullet proof vest when I shop at the As Seen On TV Store.”