A loud chorus of grunting and screams could be heard from the Nexton community recently when residents learned a Harris Teeter is going to be built in their neighborhood. Seconds after the community email blast went out to the neighborhood, a simultaneous orgasm unexpectedly erupted.
This isn’t the first time Nexton residents have climaxed from community news though. Recently Nexton locals came upon hearing a Starbucks was being built at the entrance to their neighborhood, and again when it was announced they’d be having their own Oktoberfest celebration. The repeated amazing announcements are almost too much for the residents to take.
Nexton Sales Rep Eric Lawson said his job has become exponentially easier since the Harris Teeter announcement. “Selling these homes is a breeze now,” he said. “I used to have to talk about the high-end design, the gigabit internet speed, and the resort-like pool. Now I just have to say ‘We’re getting a Teeter’ and they immediately sign a contract after some groaning and panting.”
Fauxcountry News spoke to Nexton resident Lisa Anderson, who was still under the covers and smoking a cigarette after the announcement. “There’s just so many incredible things Harris Teeter offers,” she said. “I love the HT Traders brand….oooh, that’s good….the low-priced meats…..yes, yes…..and the Sub Club discounts….Oh, God!” Lisa then asked Fauxcountry News to leave the room to give her a moment of privacy.
In related news, Nexton has been named the safest community in South Carolina, because all residents perpetually relaxed and stress-free.