Newlyweds Win Bidding War For Avondale Cottage With Charming Termite Damage

A newly-married West Ashley couple just closed on a small Avondale cottage crumbling from termite damage. Pete and Lauren Taylor’s bid was accepted over the competition because they were dumb enough not to mandate a home inspection just so they could win the house. Lauren said they had to have the house no matter what because it was gushing with “charm.”

Even though the home was known to be decaying due to termite damage, a bidding war ensued because numerous couples wanted to own a home with good “walkability” to hip Avondale bars. Pete had initially wanted to take the new construction route for more financial security, but his wife Lauren pressured him to buy the decrepit cottage because it would be fun to work on a project together.

West Ashley real estate agent Gayle Harmon said young couples looking for a cute house in the Avondale area better know what they’re getting into. “Whenever some young people comes to me asking for a place with charm, what I really want to say is, ‘are you ready for this shit?’ because charming houses are usually POS’s that will light your checking account on fire and leave you crying in the fetal position.”

On top of the house being in awful shape, the floor plan is barely functional, with the only spot to put the refrigerator being near the front door in the living room. Lauren shared her thoughts while drinking her chamomile tea and trying not to fall through the wood-rotted porch deck. “We’ll just knock down a wall or two and open the place up a bit. It’s no big deal, right?” Her husband Pete didn’t share the same optimism. “Open a wall to where? Our washer and dryer are in our bedroom. I can’t believe I let me wife convince me to buy this shit-hole of a house.”

Clinical Psychologist Quentin Stalls believes there’s a single source for the increase in demand of charming houses. “Over 90% of failed home improvement projects stem from watching too much HGTV,” he said. “Idiots think it’s easy to knock down a wall and open up your kitchen because the Property Brothers did it. Yeah…good luck with that.”

The cottage’s previous owner Eric couldn’t contain his laughter after the closing proceedings. “Are these people nuts?” he said. “I never thought someone would buy the place where me and my eight raccoons have lived for the last twenty years, but they were foolish enough to pay full asking price. Just wait until they find the water damage I painted over in the kitchen. Ha ha!”

Pete and Lauren are expected to put the house back on the market a year from now when they discover their house was built on a Civil War mass-burial ground, a fact they will conceal from buyers when a bidding war starts on their house.




2 Comments on "Newlyweds Win Bidding War For Avondale Cottage With Charming Termite Damage"

  1. R.T. Shepherd | June 24, 2016 at 12:40 pm |

    Avondale is surely a mixed bag. Too funny!

  2. This is hilarious! My wife and I live in Byrnes Downs. We’ve been there going on 7 years and love the “charm”, location, and neighborhood, and believe it or not the construction has actually been very good!
    The last BD house we bought we were in a bidding war with 7 other offers!!! The real estate market truly is crazy in this area of West Ashley!
    Great article faux country news! Fair and balanced as always. You report, we decide.

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