New Study Finds That 4 out of 5 People Don’t Give a Shit About Studies

A groundbreaking study out of Charleston has found that four out of five people don’t give a shit about studies. The research targeted 25,000 Lowcountry residents for seven years before it reached a final conclusion. Most study participants said they didn’t even give a shit about their own study they were participating in.

Epidemiologist Lisa McKenna said the findings were fascinating. “It doesn’t matter how many warnings we give people with data, they’re still going to eat chocolate-covered bacon and chase it down with whiskey. You could tell them vaping will make you lose your hair and grow mushrooms under your armpits, and they’ll still do it. The human race is stubborn as hell.”

Charleston resident James Peppers was one of the 80% who don’t care about studies. “It’s all confusing as hell,” he said. “One day they tell you farting will give you cancer, then the next day they tell you using a washing machine will increase your chance of heart disease. I’m over it, so I’m just gonna chill at my house and drink a beer.”

Science Journalist Richard Yates said the frustration people feel about studies is by design. “We like to create studies that take things people enjoy and make them fear it,” he said. “Then we’ll release a new study that says the complete opposite a year later to confuse the shit out of people. It’s all funded by big corporations so none of it is accurate, but the general public doesn’t know that, and that’s what allows us to make a boatload of money.”

To combat the negative feelings towards studies, the Charleston Society of Medicine will create a new task force to study the effect studies are having on studies. It will be funded by whoever offers to pay the most, who will also get to choose the outcome.

2 Comments on "New Study Finds That 4 out of 5 People Don’t Give a Shit About Studies"

  1. R.T. Shepherd | October 1, 2016 at 11:29 am |

    Now that’s rich. I read the other day that drinking booze dies not kill brain cells. Yay.

  2. Most were stumped by “What’s another word for Thesaurus?” too.

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