To help raise funds to repair the crumbling roads across the lowcountry, the county will be implementing a new gas tax that will charge residents twenty-five cents per fart. The new Bust Ass For Cash Bill will bring in billions of dollars for much-needed infrastructure projects.
All Charleston County residents will be required to wear tighty-whities fitted with a fart meter that will register each flatulent released. Wireless meter-reading trucks will drive by each farters home every month to collect the numbers, and invoices will be sent to residents for immediate payment.
Charleston Chief Financial Officer Jane Childress said this proposal is an innovation that will lead the way for other counties to follow. “With cars becoming more fuel efficient, a gasoline tax is a losing strategy,” she said. “Farts are unstoppable and they will only increase as our population does. Our residents’ poots will be the gift that keeps on giving to the lowcountry.”
Charleston resident Heather Walsh was happy to learn that there would be new funds to fix the nearby roads. “With so much dysfunction in our local government, it’s good to see something finally being done about these bad roads,” she said. “If farts are the only way to raise money, so be it. Hell, my husband’s ass could pay for the entire I-526 extension alone.”
To help boost gas tax collection totals, Charleston County has approved fifteen new Mexican restaurants and expanded distribution of PBR. They will also be air-dropping 300,000 Fiber One bars throughout residential areas.