The women of Mt. Pleasant gathered on the beach this morning to pray to the Pumpkin Spice Lords for cooler temperatures to arrive. The women surrounded a two-thousand-gallon Pumpkin Spice Frappuccino and faithfully chanted their prayers for help as the sun breached the horizon. The residents of Mt. Pleasant desperately await a response so they can have an outdoor college football party without getting sweaty and eaten by bugs.
Temperatures in the Charleston area have been well above average for this time of year. This has prevented local women from wearing their new super-cute elbow patch tunic sweater they’ve been dying to wear. With Halloween approaching and no chilly in sight, begging for help from the Lords of Pumpkin Spice was their only remaining option.
Mt. Pleasant resident Courtney Pickens vented her frustration about the prolonged warm weather. “I can’t drink a Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks unless I’m wearing gloves with the fingertips cut off, and it’s too hot to wear them right now. I’m not going to get all hot and sweaty while drinking an autumn coffee beverage. If we don’t get cooler weather before Halloween, this is going to devastate us all.”
Local theologian Brett Napier believes there will be no divine intervention. “The Pumpkin Spice Lords only grant assistance to believers who have behaved well, and I believe they’re super-pissed off about Costco painting their logo on the Carolina Park barn. Talk about completely taking the charm out of something. What asshole thought that was a good idea?”
Residents are hoping that city officials approve a temperature-controlled dome for the entire area so this tragedy never happens again. They’ll fund the dome by allowing 15,000 more homes to be built on protected wetlands.