Eight are in custody after Mt. Pleasant police busted a major pumpkin spice cartel last night. Police were acting on an anonymous tip that dealers were selling pure pumpkin spice in the area and causing local women to wear fall clothing way too early in the season. Police are acting quick to collect the remaining hot product off the streets as soon as possible.
Mt. Pleasant Police Chief Andrew Baskin said this new pumpkin spice on the streets is nothing to mess with. “This is 100% pure, uncut pumpkin spice smuggled in from New England,” he said. “Just one spoonful of this stuff will make women think they can start wearing leggings, Uggs and scarves, even though it’s still way too hot for that attire in Charleston right now.”
Resident Christina Adams is recovering in a local hospital after overdosing on pumpkin spice over the weekend. “I bought an ounce of pumpkin spice from a dude standing on the corner of Dunes West Blvd & 41,” she said. “I bumped a gram before going out to meet some friends, and all of a sudden I felt the urge to wear a cardigan sweater and knit wool hat. I couldn’t stop sweating when I got to Red’s Icehouse, and I passed out. I’m going to seek professional help to kick this pumpkin spice addiction.”
Dr. Whitney Chandler has analyzed this new version of pumpkin spice in her lab and says it’s extremely dangerous. “This drug floods the pleasure spots of the brain that like cold weather and cute fall clothes. Women begin to hallucinate and see fall foliage and deer frolicking around them, even though in reality it still feels like summer in Charleston. It’s just too much autumn for the human brain to handle. Women need to stay away from it.”
Mt. Pleasant police are urging women to avoid pure, unregulated pumpkin spice and to rely on local coffee shop lattes to get their fix. Police are now focusing on a hot tip that shipments of pure gingerbread spice are headed into the area from the North Pole.