An angry Mt. Pleasant woman voiced her displeasure at a little league coach today when her son wasn’t included in the starting lineup for the baseball team. Mindy Holmes flared her nostrils while rapid-firing complaints at Coach Pete about the lack of her eight-year-old son Timmy’s playing time, even though he doesn’t have a shred of athletic ability.
The little league game was delayed for fifteen minutes when Mindy learned her son wasn’t starting. The parents in the bleachers rolled their eyes when Mindy put her hands on her hips and demanded an explanation from Coach Pete, who did his best to delicately inform her that her son is a talentless goon, without using those exact words.
Mindy lashed out at the implication that her son wasn’t good enough to be a starter on the team. “This is completely ridiculous! And I’m not the only one who feels this way. Everyone in my hot yoga class agrees with me. I didn’t sign my son up for baseball so he could ride the bench. I want him out on the field for every second of each game, and if I don’t get what I want, I’m going to get my attorney involved.”
Coach Pete explained why Timmy wasn’t included in the starters today. “That kid is a complete doofus. He doesn’t listen to anything I say and he runs like a wounded giraffe. Even when I do play him in right field, he’s more concerned about his shamrock collection than the line drive ball whizzing by him. We need to utilize Timmy’s strengths by keeping him in the dugout, where he can entertain his teammates by burping the national anthem.”
We were unable to reach Mindy’s husband for comment because he was on a sales trip doing cocaine with his clients. Mindy will complain to the head of the recreation department, who makes minimum wage and doesn’t give a shit.