Mt. Pleasant Man Who Injured Oyster Shucking Arm Will Be Euthanized

A Mount Pleasant man who injured his oyster shucking arm will be euthanized today. Henry Dreyer sustained a critical break in his humerus, rendering him unable shuck and consume oysters. His doctors will be putting him down so his suffering ends as quickly as possible.

Henry was devastated to receive the news from his doctors. “I just couldn’t believe that I would never shuck an oyster again, but they were right,” he said. “I tried to shuck oysters with my other arm, but it was useless. I guess this is where it ends for me.”

Dr. Amelia Criswell doesn’t believe that Henry will be able to live a meaningful life anymore. “If he can’t shuck oysters anymore, what’s the point of going on?” she said. “He will be put down quickly and humanely. Soon he won’t feel any pain and he’ll be shucking oysters again with the angels in heaven.”

Not everyone is pleased with the decision to end Henry’s life. PETA protester Maya Quent threatened to go on a hunger strike and chain herself to a tree in protest. “His life still has value,” she said. “He can eat fried oysters with the assistance of a friend. We just have to give him that chance.”

Henry will be given a Viking funeral in Shem Creek on Friday. His family will be creating a charity grant in Henry’s name so talented young oyster eaters can attend the Boone Hall Oyster Roast free of charge. Henry’s oyster shucking tool will be retired from use.

1 Comment on "Mt. Pleasant Man Who Injured Oyster Shucking Arm Will Be Euthanized"

  1. R.T. Shepherd | May 25, 2016 at 1:53 pm |

    Nothing more to add. But couldn’t the poor fellow go on to shrimp netting as a second “career”?

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