The town of Mount Pleasant bulldozed a sea turtle nest today to make way for the new, state-of-the-art anti-plastic bag enforcement center. A team of highly-trained enforcement agents will be dedicated to protecting residents and the environment from the deadly threat posed by plastic bags and foam containers. Residents are urged to live Costco-style from now on and awkwardly bear-hug groups of grocery items while carrying them into their homes.
The town council’s decision to ban plastic bags and foam containers to save the environment was made before a packed crowd of concerned residents who arrived in oversized, low-mileage SUVs and drank plastic bottles of water. When a local Chinese food proprietor asked the town council how he should give takeout food to his customers going forward, they advised him to spoon the searing-hot food directly into their bare hands.
Newly-appointed Plastic Bag Czar William Stark promised to protect the people of Mt. Pleasant from the dangers of plastic bags. “Once we eliminate this natural beach habitat and build our five-story headquarters, we’ll be able to eradicate any plastic or foam threats that may hurt the environment. We’ll have snipers on the rooftops of all 273 recently-built apartment complexes just waiting to pick off anyone holding a foam container of any kind. The local environment will be safe in our hands.”
Town Councilman Andrew Holder defended the decision to erect the enforcement center so close to the beach. “There really was no other place to build it. We’ve already promised most the remaining land to real estate developers who bribed us, and I really don’t want to pay that money back. Daddy’s got boat payments to make.”
The people of Mt. Pleasant will celebrate the plastic bag ban by riding around in their fuel-guzzling boats and flicking cigarette butts into the harbor. Mt. Pleasant’s next project will be taking a flame thrower to a thousand acres of woods to make room for the Francis Marion National Forest Preservation Center.