Moncks Corner officials issued an emergency advisory yesterday when it was discovered that residents may soon run out of things available to burn in their front yards. A recent slowdown in hoarding has reduced front yard kindling to near zero levels, and residents are scrambling to keep their front yards ablaze.
Moncks Corner residents are known to keep small unnecessary fires going in their yards at all times like an Olympic torch. Locals have time to tend to their perpetual yard fires because there’s nothing else to do in the boonies. Historically, there’s been enough junk and dried leaves to keep their fires lit, but now the shortage threatens their long-running burns.
Officials have instructed residents not to panic. “We’re actively reaching out to neighboring municipalities for old crappy furniture and busted-up tires,” he said. “We don’t want residents to give up faith. We’re going to find junk to burn. Please keep your unnecessary fires going.”
Moncks Corner resident Jaybo Jenkins said the shortage of junk to burn is unsettling. “What if my front yard fire goes out?” he said. “I don’t know what the hell I’d do with my time. All I’d have left is Wheel of Fortune and Nancy Grace.” Jaybo is hiding a busted-up particle board entertainment center to burn in case of emergency.
At the time of this article, town officials have a lead on an entire full of lot of dried-out Christmas trees in Orangeburg. Moncks Corner will propose a trade with Orangeburg to send ten hogs and five BeDazzler machines in exchange for the dry Christmas trees.