Mayor John Tecklenburg made a surprise move on Tuesday and listed Johns Island for sale on his eBay account. The desperate action was done to generate much-needed cash for projects around town that have made the locals protest at city hall. The cash infusion from the sale will more than cover what needs to be accomplished.
Mayor Tecklenburg listed Johns Island at a starting price of $10 million. He described the island as slightly used, but mostly in good shape minus some wear and tear from weather. He did disclose it comes with a few run-down trailers, but the kick-ass Angel Oak makes up for them. Mayor Tecklenburg will not ship Johns Island anywhere under any circumstance.
Mayor Tecklenburg did his best to justify the potential sale of Johns Island. “Let’s be honest, no one’s going to miss it,” he said. “We need cash for an Ashley River Bridge bike lane and to fix the school budget, and we can get some serious coin for Johns Island. Who knows…if we’re lucky and someone puts in a really good bid, there might be enough money left over to build an In-N-Out Burger on the crosstown.”
When asked if he should be using his own personal eBay account for a transaction of this magnitude, Mayor Tecklenburg defended it. “Of course we’re going to use my eBay account,” he said. “I have over 362 transactions with all positive ratings. When people see my turquoise star, they know they can trust this auction.”
The auction will last five days and will be awarded to the highest bidder when it concludes. Although all bids are anonymous, rumors are circulating that Sunoco is looking to snipe the auction at the last second so they can continue building their empire of gas stations that will soon rule the entire Lowcountry.