A downtown man with nothing valuable to offer published a lengthy Facebook post this morning titled “My Thoughts on the Debate.” Joe Copeland’s 1,500 word post rambled back and forth between candidate analysis and various political conspiracies, never arriving at any useful conclusion in the end. After excitedly posting it, he’s now frequently checking his phone for notifications to engage in a heated debate.
Joe Copeland stayed up until 2am crafting his long-winded Facebook post, frequently referencing absurd political conspiracy theory headlines he’s seen without actually reading the articles. Ultimately Joe declared he remains undecided until Hillary admits Johnny Depp is hiding her missing emails or Trump stops producing chem trails with his private jets.
Joe’s friend Renee rolled her eyes when she saw his post drop into her Facebook feed. “I woke up this morning and was on a hot streak of seeing funny content on Facebook,” she said. “Then I saw Joe’s bat shit crazy political post, and it sucked the life out of the internet. I immediately unfollowed him. I can’t have that crazy nonsense in my feed anymore.”
After hours passed with no activity on his Facebook post, Joe emailed his co-worker Mike and said, “Hey, I shared some thoughts about the debate on Facebook, and I’d love to hear what you think about it.” Mike replied by saying, “Cool! I’m really busy this morning, but I’ll take a look at it when I can,” which is code for ‘I give zero shits about your irrational political analysis, so I’m going to delay reading it until you move on to your next crappy, idiotic post.’
Joe is already starting to sketch out his next massive Facebook post in his mind. It will be titled “How eating less dairy can cure racism…”