Thousands of Charleston-area Catholics are tailgating this morning in anticipation of the biggest church mass of the year, Easter Sunday. It’s the one day of the year where even the laziest Catholics drag themselves out of bed to make it to church. Today is the Super Bowl of the Catholic faith.
Downtown church St. Catherine’s was surrounded by party buses and SUVs before sunrise this morning. Rowdy face-painted Catholics had set up canopy tents filled with tailgate chairs and were blasting their favorite Christ jams for everyone to dance to. The scent of BBQ fish filled the air as many of the men ironed their buttons downs and khaki pants to get the wrinkles out before service began.
St. Catherine’s Pastor Father Peter Patrick spoke to us briefly while warming up by doing some wind sprints in the church hallway. “We’ve done all the preparation we can at this point,” he said. “Now we just have to execute. The altar boys can’t drop any candles, the Eucharistic Ministers can’t spill a drop of wine, and I can’t stutter or lose my track. We gotta show what we’re made of today.”
St. Catherine’s congregation member Donna Ansley was nervous with anticipation. “I don’t know how it will all play out,” she said. “We have to get a good seat, preferably away from a baby, and we have to keep our focus. We don’t want to be one of those dopes who kneel when they’re supposed to stand.” Donna then raised her cross foam finger and shouted, “Peace be with you!”, to which the surrounding crowd replied, “And also with you!”
Regardless of how the Easter Sunday mass plays out today, the church is projected to rake in abnormally high cash donations today. The money will be used to cover-up crimes of the church and ensure the congregation’s guilt stays at near-debilitating levels.