Long-Time King Street Family Store Replaced By Corporate Dildo Mart

One of the last remaining King Street family businesses closed today when it was announced that the space would become a Mega Corporate Dildo Mart. The Parker family ran a custom furniture store for almost 100 years before skyrocketing rental rates on King Street forced them to close down. Now the Dildo Mart name will grace the King Street strip for all to see.

The Charleston Division of Commerce was delighted to announce the arrival of the Dildo Mart on King Street. “Our goal is to create a tacky corporate utopia for both tourists and locals. We want people to be able to shop in the exact same stores they can find in a shopping mall in Wichita, Kansas. Let it be known that Charleston’s charm is available to the highest bidder, or what’s left of it anyways.”

Owner Deidre Parker is still coming to terms with the loss of her business. “King Street used to be such a nice place to run our shop,” she said. “Then the soul-less corporate stores starting spreading like a virus. Starbucks, Walgreens, Chipotle, Smoothie King–and there’s more popping up every day. It made our rent go up 800% and we had to shut down. Maybe I can sell our custom furniture on eBay so we don’t lose our house.”

Dildo Mart Spokesperson Jeffery Burnes wants everyone to know that Dildo Mart will be woven into the fabric of the local community. “We want to carry on the tradition the Parker family business leaves behind,” he said. “But instead of buying furniture, locals can now buy bulk dildos at bargain prices. We can’t wait to service the local community.”

Dildo Mart may not be the only new store in the area. Rumors are circulating that more family businesses will be run out of town to make room for a Spencer’s Gifts, a George Foreman Grill Store, and a Make-Your-Own Big Mouth Billy Bass Experience. Charleston locals have lots to look forward to on King Street!




1 Comment on "Long-Time King Street Family Store Replaced By Corporate Dildo Mart"

  1. This is wonderful news. The downtown dildo market has long be neglected, forcing good folks in search of dildos to go to West Ashley, or even worse, North Charleston to find a decent dildo. Although I no longer live in the area, I will be sure to try out Dildo Mart next time I’m downtown.

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