James Island Passes Six-Month Moratorium on Man Buns

The James Island Town Council has just passed a six-month moratorium on man buns to help ease local concerns about their surging growth. The new measure won’t ban already-established man buns, but will prevent local men from establishing new ones until December.

Scientists are no closer to understanding why someone would choose to grow a man bun. Epidemiologist Joshua Downes said, “It’s like these men want the longer hair, but at the same time are irritated by it and want a sensible way to style it. It’s a total contradiction. Half the time we can’t tell if their hair is wet from a recent shower or just greasy. There’s just so much more investigation that needs to be done.”

James Island resident Amy Quent is nervous about what the rise in man buns could mean for her son. “There’s no vaccination for man buns,” she said. “I can only do so much to protect him. Sooner or later, my boy will see them around the island and may even want that hairstyle himself. Before you know it, he’ll be working in a vegan burrito shop and only showering twice a week. I hope they get this epidemic under control.”

Man bun survivor Gaven Houser described his descent into the hairstyle. “At first I was just lazy and didn’t go to get my hair cut,” he said. “Then other man bunners pushed me into putting my hair up to keep it out of my eyes. Before I knew it, I was buying scrunchees and it became a full-blown addiction. It’s been 487 days since I got clean and cut my hair. Now I help other man bunners in recovery. I want everyone to know that it’s okay to get your hair cut.”

James Island officials will be boosting barber numbers between now and December to hopefully slow the continued growth of local man buns.




2 Comments on "James Island Passes Six-Month Moratorium on Man Buns"

  1. Is addition supposed to be addiction?
    “…. I was buying scrunchees and it became a full-blown addition. ”
    Yes, I’m a writer/editor. Love the faux articles here!

  2. Good stuff. As a man bunner myself, I find this quite funny. That said, I also find it funny that those ripping on man bunners usually wear pleated khakis and struggle to grow long hair themselves. Most wear the old white man uniform. And many are balding. At least they’ve got good senses of humor though.

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