James Island Man Disappointed To Learn He’s the Sixth Guy at the Oyster Roast Wearing Pink Shorts With Terriers On Them

A James Island man, Elliot Montague, arrived at the annual Porter Gaud Alumni Oyster Roast on Saturday night eager to show off his brand new pink shorts with terriers on. “I just bought them earlier in the afternoon at M. Dumas & Sons. I was really hoping to turn some heads and get some instant attention.”

When Montague entered the oyster roast, he quickly noticed someone else wearing the exact same shorts, then another, and it continued until the six young men stood together in an awkward circle blaming each other for copying their style.

The third person wearing pink shorts with terriers on them, Wentworth Pinckney, voiced his frustration while flipping his hair out of his face. “It was embarrassing. I bought these shorts three weeks ago specifically for this occasion. “I even bought an oyster shucker with a pink handle to match them and I didn’t get the attention I wanted.” Pinckney plans to vent his irritation by calling in sick to his job at his father’s firm and taking his family yacht out on the harbor.

The females at the oyster roast were unaware of what happened because they were taking selfies and posting heavily filtered pictures of their cocktails to post on Instagram.

Montague has learned his lesson and has a plan to prevent this from happening again at next year’s oyster roast. “I’ve already commissioned a local seamstress to hand-craft me a pair of peach-colored shorts with littles oysters and shuckers on them. It’s totally meta, and I’ve never seen anything like it before. Just wait until they all see me next year.” (laughs maniacally)




14 Comments on "James Island Man Disappointed To Learn He’s the Sixth Guy at the Oyster Roast Wearing Pink Shorts With Terriers On Them"

  1. Wentworth Pinckney ~ Hilarious!

  2. It’s like the Onion only better because it is local. Well done (insert polite golf clap).

  3. #firstworldproblems

  4. Please, like he would live anywhere but South of Broad.😉

  5. Localsinceforever | January 6, 2016 at 1:54 pm |

    Spot on working for daddys firm.

  6. It’s the Vidalia Onion.

  7. Those boys have too much time on their hands. They need a real
    Job and not working for dada. Fairies. LMAO!

  8. D Pecorelli | January 8, 2016 at 7:57 am |

    Vidalia Onion, perfect!

  9. Keep it coming!

  10. So good

  11. Oh 2 bad he has such horrible problems. Don’T know what he’d do if he had real one!

  12. This is HUGE !

  13. R.T. Shepherd | April 9, 2016 at 1:11 pm |

    I’d like to get “Fauxcountry” in magazine form. It’s a keeper.

  14. Jake Straw | May 13, 2017 at 2:15 am |

    Wait, I thought this website only published fictional stories, isn’t this one non-fiction?!!?

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